Friday, April 25, 2014

Innovative and Hilarious Answering Machine Messages

Are you bored with that tired old "We're not home
right now, please leave a message." Well, then try these on for size:

1. "Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends,
you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money."

2. "Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets."

3. "Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need
their picture taken. They are also VERY happy with their current phone service. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."

4. "If you are a burglar calling to check, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message."

5. "Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."

6. "You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain
the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak
clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you." 

Some Things You Just Can't Explain

A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting
hammered. A man came
in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting
here on this beautiful
day, getting drunk?"

The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things
you just can't explain."

"So what happened that's so horrible?" the man asked
as he sat down next to
the farmer.

"Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting by my
cow, milking her. Just
as I got the bucket 'bout full, she lifted her left
leg and kicked over the
bucket."

"Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad."

"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer
replied.

"So what happened then?" the man asked.

The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it to
the post on the left."

"And then?"

"Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just
as I got the bucket
'bout full, she took her right leg and kicked over the
bucket."

Man laughed and said, "Again?"

The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't
explain."

"So, what did you do then?" the man asked.

"I took her right leg this time and tied it to the
post on the right."

"And then?" "Well, I sat back down and began milking
her again. Just as I
got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over
the bucket with her
tail."

"Hmmm..." the man said and nodded his head.

"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer said.


"So, what did you do?" the man asked.

"Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope,
so I took off my belt
and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my
pants fell down and my
wife walked in....Some things you just can't explain."

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

The Mistake of Installing Wife 1.0: A Software Engineer Chronicles

A software engineer wrote:

Subject: Failed Upgrade
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Smoking 10.3, Boozing 2.5 and Saturday Night Pubs 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications like Night Club 4.3, Dance 'n' Drink 2.0 and Bachelor Party 7.77. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall does not work on this program. Once I tried to uninstall Wife 1.0 but got this error: "General Protection Fault in module House Security. The Uninstallation will abort." Can you help me, please?

Here was the reply from Tech Support:

Re: Failed Upgrade
This is a very common problem among men, but it is due mostly to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Wife 1.0 is actually an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge Wife 1.0 from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings-Alimony/Child Support; "this was given to you at time of registration with Wife 1.0. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. In fact I would suggest you use this command every time Wife 1.0 crashes on your system.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0 or Movies 4.5. Do not, under any circumstances, install Visual Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system. Recent surveys show add-ons like Visual Dress 2.0, Diamond Necklace 3.0, and A Quick Tour To Temple 1.0 are the best Third Party tools supported by Wife 1.0 to allow it to run smoothly and effectively.
Best of luck!

A Mobile Smartphone: He or She?

A pastor of one church who was previously a
sailor, was very aware that ships are addressed
as "she" or "her". He often wondered what gender
smartphones should be addressed.

To answer that question, he set up two groups of
technology gadget experts. The first was comprised
of women, and the second of men. Each group was
asked to recommend whether smartphones should
be referred to in the feminine gender, or the masculine
gender. They were asked to give 4 reasons for their
recommendation.

The group of women reported that the smartphones
should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn
    them on.
2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems,
    but half the time they are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if
   you had waited a little longer you could have had
   a better model.

The men, on the other hand concluded that Smartphones
should be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with
    other phones is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes like installing a useless app
    are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find
   yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories
   for it."

Confucius say...

 Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

 He who lives in glass house, dress in basement

 Passionate kiss, like spider web, lead to  undoing of fly.

 Better to be pissed off than pissed on.

 He who walk through airport door sideways going  to Bangkok.

 Boy who go to sleep with stiff problem wake up with solution in hand.

 Girl who sit on jockeys lap get hot tip.

 Girl who sits on Judge's lap gets honorable discharge.

 Lady who go camping must beware of evil intent.

 Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.

 He who run behind bus get exhausted.

 Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion.

 Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.

 He who fishes in others' holes often catches crabs.

Kundalini Airport - Ganga Jamuna Saraswati | Perform Live 2014 at SNM Goa

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Life of an Engineering College Student: Tell Me it's Not True

Engineering College : Place where you're punished for getting good HSC marks.

Senior : guys who got ragged as juniors and wanna get some payback...

Fresher : Guy who has to ask where the canteen is...

Really Dumb Fresher : Guy who asks a senior where the canteen is.

Really Really Dumb fresher : Guy who follows the senior to the canteen.

Ragging : the unfortunate fate of the previous idiot.

Evasive action : watch the juniors when any seniors come nearby.(No one runs faster than a fresher. NO ONE.)

Babe : After two years in Engineering, anything remotely female qualifies for that title.

ATKT : makes you suicidal.

Year Drop : makes dad homicidal.

Revaluation : Cruel joke... (results of Reval come after you given the ATKT exam).

Principal : Biggest idiot on campus. Unfortunately also the most powerful idiot on campus.

Lectures : waste of time...

Tuitions : What you take when you don't waste enough time.

Professor : Person paid to put students to sleep.

Vernacular Prof : Unusual variant of previous individual who comes packaged with his own brand of English
("Now you check me your journal."
"You out get from class."
"Are you understand, Beta?"
"Open the windows and let the atmosphere come in")

Practical : 60 to 90 minutes in which you discuss Katrina Kaif's assets, watch the girls do your experiment, and usually destroy a considerable array of lab equipment.

Hopeless Practical :The practical in which there are no girls in your group (other activities include simply look blankly at each other, fiddling with the equipment, and finally copying the readings. From the girls of course...).

Fear : what you feel when the prof who's signature you forged on the journal hesitates to turn the page...

Irony : The guy who copied your entire paper passes and you flunk.

Critical Calculation : Summing up the marks you attempted in the exam...

Sleep : Huh! What the heck's that?

An Epic Letter from Sardarji

Dear Banta Vahe Guru !
I am in a well here and hoping you are in the same well there. I'm writing this letter slowly, because I know you cannot read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen 20 miles from home, so we moved 20 miles. I wont be able to send the address as the last Sardar who stayed here took the house numbers with them for their new house they would not have to change their address. Hopefully by next week we will be able to bring our earlier address plate here, so that our address will remain same too. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine, situated right above the commode. I'm not sure it works. Last week I put in 3 shirts, pulled the chain and haven't seen them since. The weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first time it rained for 3 days and second time for 4 days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all the metal buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket. Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetery. By the way I took Bahu to our club's poolside. The manager is really badmash. He told her that two-piece swimming suit is not allowed in this club. We were confused as to which piece should we remove? Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it is a girl or a boy, so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle. Your uncle, Jetinder fell in a nearby well. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off bravely and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days. Your best friend, Balwinder, is no more. He died trying to fulfill his father's last wishes. His father had wished to be buried at sea after he died. And your friend died while in the process of digging a grave for his father. There isn't much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.

P.S: Beta, I was going to send you some money but by the time I realized, I had already sealed off this letter.

What a Friend Means to Me

I cannot ease your aching heart,

nor take your pain away,

but let me stay and take your hand

and walk with you today!


I'll listen when you need to talk;

I'll wipe away your tears

I'll share your worries when they come;

I'll help you face your fears.


I'm here and I will stand by you,

Each hill you have to climb,

So take my hand, let's face the world;

Live one day at a time!


You're not alone, for I'm still here.

I'll go that extra mile,

and when your grief is easier,

I'll help you learn to smile!

10 Ways of Happy Marriage

Have interest in each other’s interest.

Be different but avoid differences.

Give pleasant surprises - like a gift for no reason at all.

Hold each other tight even after a fight.

Read this together:
Love each other inspite of the faults.

Share each other’s joy and fell each other’s pain.

Be independent and yet depend on each other.

Make good plans for each other’s birthday.

Don’t criticize each other in public. Solve the matters in  private.



10 Stupid Questions People Ask

10 stupid questions people usually ask in obvious situations and some equally stupid answers.
Go get them...
01. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends
Stupid Question: Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer: Well,it's so hot, there were no cool cabs, so I thought I'd watch some advertisements in the cool comfort of the theater.

02. In the bus: A fat girl wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet
Stupid Question:Sorry, did that hurt ?
Answer: No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia... why don't you try again or should I try this time.

03. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask.
Stupid Question: Why, why him, of all people.
Answer: Why? Would it rather have been you?

04. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter.
Stupid Question: Is the "blah, blah, blah" dish good
Answer: No, it's terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occasionally also spit in it.

05. At a family get-together. When some distant aunt meets you after years
Stupid Question: Munna, Chickoo, you've become so big.
Answer: Well you haven't shrunk.

06. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask.
Stupid Question: Is the guy you're marrying good?
Answer: No, he's a miserable wife-beater, insensitive lout... it's just the money.

07. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call.
Stupid Question: Sorry. Were you sleeping?
Answer: No. I was playing cricket for India at Sharjah and just when you called, Salim Malik was betting with me that Pakistan would win.  What do you think?

08. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair.
Stupid Question: Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer: No, its autumn and I'm shedding...

09. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth.
Stupid Question: Tell me if it hurts?
Answer: And while I'm telling you, you tell me if I bite.

10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks.
Stupid Question: Oh, so you smoke
Answer: No, it's a miracle... it was a chalk and now it's in flames!

Gangs of Wasseypur Summary Part 1

Paragliding at Rohtang Pass

The One Where Animation Comes Alive

Cool and Creative Method to Tie a Necktie in 10 Sec

Performance of an Artist at SNM Arpora Goa