Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Funniest Things You've Ever Heard Someone Say in their Sleep

 Here is a collection of some of the
funniest things you've ever heard someone say in their sleep.
1. My college roommate sat up, said "F**k you, Batman. You owe me twenty dollars," and fell back down again.

2. The one that sticks out in my mind is my boyfriend sitting up in bed and ever so slowly giving me a thumbs up ... then going back to sleep.

3. My ex-girlfriend once told me that I sat up in bed, asked her "where the f*ck is all the money?" stared at her blankly for a second, then said "ah, right, at the bank" and went back to sleep.

4. A friend of mine sleepwalks, and I was sleeping over that night. It's about 1 am when he yells, "GOD DAMNIT, IM F*CKING THIRSTY." He walks into the kitchen to grab a water bottle. His yelling woke up his father, and he asks him what he's doing. He points at the water bottle in his hand and says "I'm thirsty and I want water, BUT ALL WE HAVE IS THIS MOTHERF*CKING CAN OF SOUP."

5. My husband rolled over while dead asleep, snuggled me and said "you are the burning ember in the jungles of my night".

6. I was enjoying a night over at my friend's house when we were 15yo. We were making hamburgers with fried eggs. I thought it had enough oil on the pan but nope, it burned right up and got stuck in the pan. Of course I scraped the egg off and still ate it. When we were sleeping, my friend got up, looked at me and mumbled something like "..f*cking idiot can't even fry eggs..." then turned around and went back to sleep. I felt so vulnerable.

7. When my younger brother was around 12 and I was in my mid-twenties, I came home from a night out and he was sleeping on my couch. He stood up, looked at me, and said very forcefully, "Stop wasting the science." Then whispered, "Keep it safe."

8. I woke up in the middle of the night to my wife struggling to get out of bed. I asked her what was going on and she replied with "I need to press the button!" I could tell she was still half asleep so I said "Come back to bed, I already pressed the button for you" She then, in a very condescending tone, said "You don't even know how!"

9. Freshman year of college I started barking in my sleep. My roommate woke up and started yelling for me to wake up because he thought there was a dog in the room. We were both REALLY confused for about a minute.

10. My boyfriend frequently talks in his sleep. His last one was "Whiskey sounds like something you would feed to cats, who have whiskers."

11. "I have to find my ostrich! I need a giant omelet!"

12. An old college roommate of mine once said "WALL-E, you robot slut!"

13. My girlfriend told me that a few weeks ago I said in my sleep, "there's a hidden meaning in Bambi. His mum's an alcoholic."

14. In my sophomore year of college, I was staying over in my friends' room, sleeping on their floor (I'm a dude, they are 2 ladies). They told me that in the middle of the night, I shot completely upright and after a few seconds, held up my hands and said "ladies, ladies please. There's enough for everyone" and then went right back to sleep.

15. When my brother was younger (about 6), he fell off the top bunk in his sleep. He climbed back up and lay down, still asleep. I asked him what was happening and he said "a bad guy just punched me in the arm". Turns out he broke his arm and tried to sleep it off.

Thursday, August 6, 2015

Jokes that Only Geeks will Understand

Following is a set of jokes that only geeks will understand,

1. Its hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

2. What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

3. 3 logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks "Do all of you want a drink?"
The first logician says "I don't know." The second logician says "I don't know." The third logician says "Yes!"

4. Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing hide and go seek. It's Einstein's turn to count so he covers his eyes and starts counting to ten.Pascal runs off and hides. Newton draws a one meter by one meter square on the ground in front of Einstein then stands in the middle of it. Einstein reaches ten and uncovers his eyes. He sees Newton immediately and exclaims "Newton! I found you! You're it!"
Newton smiles and says "You didn't find me, you found a Newton over a square meter. You found Pascal!"

5. This following joke that only a geek will understand is too smart for itself. A mathematician and an engineer agreed to take part in an experiment. They were both placed in a room and at the other end was a beautiful naked woman on a bed. The experimenter said every 30 seconds they would be allowed to travel half the distance between themselves and the woman. The mathematician said "this is pointless" and stormed off'. The engineer agreed to go ahead with the experiment anyway. The mathematician exclaimed on his way out "don't you see, you'll never actually reach her?". To which the engineer replied, "so what? Pretty soon I'll be close enough for all practical purposes!"

6. A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus.
"You mean a martini?" the bartender asks.
The Roman replies, "If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!"

7. Another Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says, "Five beers, please".

8. A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad.
His wife asks impatiently: "So, is it a boy or a girl" ?
The logician replies: "yes".

9. Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, "I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream." The waitress replies, "I'm sorry, Monsieur, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?"

10. Entropy isn't what it used to be.

11 . How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce unionized.

12. Why do engineers confuse Halloween and Christmas?
Because Oct 31 = Dec 25

13. Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Godel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says, "Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it's funny or not?" Godel replies, "We can't know that because we're inside the joke." Chomsky says, "Of course it's funny. You're just telling it wrong."

14. Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint, the phone rings and he jumps up shouting "oh shit, I forgot to feed the dog!"

15. Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer, the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve noble gases here." He doesn't react.

16. Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar. And doesn't.

17. A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says "make me one with everything".

18. A Higgs Boson walks into a church and the priest says "we don't allow Higgs Bosons in here". The Higgs Boson then replies "but without me, how could you have mass?"

19. The programmer's wife tells him: "Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

20. There's a band called 1023MB. They haven't had any gigs yet.

Thats it folks, these where a few jokes that only geeks will understand, rest google the meanings and references. If you have more of such nuisance, you are more then welcome to add them in the comment section.

Tuesday, August 4, 2015

15 Dumbest Patients that Doctors have Had to Deal with

After reading this, I am sure you will be like "Faith In Humanity Lost"
You will not believe what doctors have to go through while handling such patients.

1. This was a complaint reported by a woman, "I'm never going to have a baby because the hospitals don't wash them anymore."
She's 30.

2. Once a doctor had a 20 year old female patient who didn't know that having sex would lead to pregnancy. She had no idea.

3. After looking at the patients chart and seeing she had diabetes:
Doctor: Do you have any medical conditions?
Patient: No.
Doctor: Are you sure, you've never been told you have any diseases?
Patient: Never.
Doctor: What medications do you take?
Patient: Insulin...for my diabetes.

4. A middle aged lady in the operating theatre once told the Doctors at the last minute (as she was being wheeled in) that she's allergic to latex. Everyone freaks out because so much of the stuff we use in theatre has latex in it, so they take her to the latex free theatre and do her surgery there. When she's in recovery and awake one of the doctors enquire as to what reaction she has to latex. "I just don't really like the sound the latex gloves make, dear". The doctor just turned around and walked out.

5. A man with her daughter - "No, my fiancee and I don't want our daughter to have any of the vaccines, vitamin K shot, antibiotic eye ointment, or PKU testing. It's poison. Poking her with the needle is worse than the 'cold' she'd get without the 'poison'." He then drove his newborn daughter and fiancée home in a car that absolutely reeked of weed and cigarettes.

6. A 20-something year old patient comes to ER, chief complaint on the board is "private." This should be good. The doctors observed that he is depressed and sad. Tells a story about how he slept with a woman, didn't use protection, and after he noticed she had a "plastic box on her." When she told him it was an insulin pump for diabetes he was mortified. Came in immediately to be tested for diabetes.

7. "I had asthma when I was a child, so stop f**king patronising me and telling me how to raise my daughter just because you think you're smarter than me". Leaves hospital. Back in hospital two hours later; six year old daughter in respiratory failure and admitted to ICU.

8. "Don't eat or drink anything after midnight" before his 3 year old daughter's surgery the next morning (tonsils and adenoids). While intubating his daughter the next morning, she vomited scrambled eggs, causing her to aspirate them into her lungs. Her heart stopped, and the doctors had to do chest compressions on her for 25 minutes. They got her back, aborted the surgery, and transferred her to pediatric icu on a ventilator. Her father's response..." She said she was hungry. I thought you were being too hard on her. It must have been something you did to her."

9. Patient had to be told that the reason her son was getting sick at school every day was because she was packing him peanut butter sandwiches and he was allergic to peanuts. The lady honestly didn't know that was an ingredient, and the kid was in middle school and wasn't bright enough to realize it himself.

10. A lady was told to measure her baby's temperature by pre-heating the oven and putting one hand in front of it while the other hand was on the baby's forehead. She told the nurse her baby's fever was about 250 degrees.

11. The best was the woman who was feeding her 3 month old dog every few days for no other reason than she thought a dog should only eat that often. Came in for hypoglycemia (of course). The nurse who spoke with her has no patience for this kind of jacked ignorance, and actually shouted at her "DO YOU EAT EVERY THREE DAYS!?"

12. A patient was prescribed an inhaler for his cat allergy. He came back a week later saying he was none the better. Turns out he was spraying the inhaler on his cat.

13. My favourite was when someone was prescribed estrogen patches and told to stick one patch on herself every other day. At the next follow-up she said she didn't like the patches because she'd been "running out of space" the doctor didn't think to clarify to her that she should have been placing a new patch and removing the one from yesterday each day. Very amusing. She indeed was covered in sticky patches.

14. Mom brought her kids to the ER after they ate all of their Halloween candy because they had tummy aches. They were still eating Reese's peanutbutter cups when they were in the exam room. The doctors had to explain to her that they need to cut back on the candy and she looked at them like the doctor
had three heads.

15. There was this lady who had diabetes and her foot was necrotic. The doctor told her she was going to have to have it amputated, and she said "No, Jesus will heal it for me" (or something like that.) The Doctor looked at her and said "Maam, you have maggots eating your foot. Jesus wants you to get it amputated."

Also Check Out: 18 Things Actually Said To Witnesses In Court